THE RELATIONSHIPS: FOUR HORSEMEN APOCALYPSE

   The psychologist John Gottman is an important researcher of marriage and relationships. Gottman talks about "Four Horsemen Apocalypse" in his books. In his research, he found good persons on relationships who look for good things and good feelings, while other persons are disastrous in the relationships looking for the mistakes and defects in their partners.

   Even the most successful relationships have conflict. The researchs have shown that it's not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it's managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. The first step in effectively managing conflict is to identify and fight The Four Horsemen when they arrive in the conflict discussions.

THE FOUR HORSEMEN APOCALYPSE:

1. Criticism: troubled couples attack and blame. They put the other partner as a means of feeling superior, or as an attempt to hurt them. Or perhaps they are even unaware that they are doing this. We can't completely avoid criticism, as it is necessary from time to time to give our partner feedback about things they are doing that are undesirable. Too many nagging are destructive in the relationship.
2. Defensiveness: troubled couples refuse to take personal responsibility for any part of their problems. Instead, they attack and blame (this is very similar to Criticism). The problem is that being defensive never helps to solve the problem at hand. Defensiveness is really a way of blaming the partner.
3. Contempt: statements that come from a relative position of superiority. Some examples of displays of contempt include when a person uses sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor. Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated.
4. Stonewalling: this is when partners stop responding to each other. Not only do they stop communicating verbally, also they will often turn away physically. As a result, the other partner feels ignored and invalidated. This appears when the other 3 horsemen are installed in the relationship, and it often becomes a habit in troubleshooting.

   If you found some of this 4 horsemen in your relationship you must act right away. Talk us and we will help you with the troubles.